The List

My friend Kris has one of the most interesting conversation starters of anyone I know. Over the years she has compiled a list of her top 100 f*#%able celebrities and will pull it out at the most random times. She can give reasons for all of them and I find that quite admirable. So I decided to make my own list. I figured it couldn't be that hard. I was totally wrong. I only have 30 women on my list right now and I haven't even begun to organize them. However, while I try and come up with 70 (God, that's a lot!) more fabulously f*#%able women, here are my top ten.

These I have actually put in order.

#1 Mariska Hargitay: I don’t know how to logically explain this attraction. She is just fabulous. Hot and a stellar actress (just ask the Hollywood Foreign Press), I can’t figure out if I want to ravage her or her character on Law & Order: SVU. Who cares who it is, Olivia or Mariska can have her way with me any day of the week. Plus, one of her acting credits from the movie Leaving Las Vegas is “hooker at bar”. Excellent, a hooker. This is going to be fabulous!

#2 Scarlett Johansson: Remember the opening scene from Lost in Translation? Scarlett’s pink underwear clad ass had me enthralled from the opening credits of that movie. Plus, she has a fabulous mouth and enunciates every word she utters. I might actually give up my dog to tap that ass. Might. I would have to think about it. Long and hard. Long. And. Hard.

#3 Jennifer Knapp: This is my “I’m going to Hell for this one” pick. Jennifer Knapp is a Christian singer who plays guitar and writes her own, often self-deprecating, songs. And if I have said it once, I have said it a million times, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a guitar. Except for maybe a Christian singer with a guitar who has been rumored to have taken time off from making music to tend to questions about her sexuality. Let me help you with that, Jen.

#4 Idina Menzel: I am a total sucker for powerful singers and Idina Menzel is the greatest Broadway singer in the world. That is totally hot. From her ridiculously erotic turn as Maureen in Rent (don't believe me? Watch the "Tango Maureen" scene in the recent film release and tell me you don't need a cold shower afterwards.) to her emotional portrayal of Elphaba in the Gregory Maguire inspired musical Wicked, Idina is unbelievable. I would do things for her and to her that I would never normally do. Anything to get a couple bars of "Take Me or Leave Me" during sex.

#5 Becky Hammon: There are only a few athletes on this list but Becky has been on my radar since 1999 when she entered the WNBA as a walk on from Colorado State. Spunky and all heart she exudes passion from every pore of her being and that is so hot! H-O-T, hot. Plus, I think she is a lez so she would know what she is doing.

#6 Janet Evans: Olympic swimmer Janet Evans was one of my first crushes when I was a little girl. I saw her swim in her last race in Atlanta in 1996. She holds world records in several freestyle distances and the 200 medley. As a former swimmer myself, I know that the butterfly swimmers must have great rhythm with their hips. Janet was one of the best, a solid indication that she would know exactly what she was doing in bed.

#7 Jodie Foster: Rumors of her sexual preference aside, she represents my intellectual ideal. A magna cum laude Yale graduate in English Literature and no less than four Oscar nominations, this woman is fiercely talented and unpretentious. Though rarely glamorous, her talent more than makes up for it. After listening to her espouse her ideas on various important topics, I would go down on her in a public place, just to watch her try and remain restrained while slowly losing control.

#8 Lisa Origliasso: Don’t recognize the name? Perhaps you know her better as the lead sister/singer in the super group The Veronicas. Other than being unbelievably gorgeous and extremely talented, she is super nice (met her in April) and still very young, and, therefore, VERY impressionable. Throw in the rockin’ Aussie accent and I am a goner. Plus she has dated several rock stars so you know she has a few tricks up her sleeve.

#9 Annabeth Gish: The moment I saw her on “The X-Files” I forgot all about Gillian Anderson and became enamored with this statuesque brunette who obviously had elocution lessons at some point in her life. There is (almost) nothing sexier than a woman who enunciates. Dirty sex talk with proper pronunciation might be the hottest thing ever.

#10 Jen Foster: OK, I actually feel kind of weird about this one because I actually know her. A very talented singer/songwriter in Nashville (soon to be national), Jen has a piercing stare, delving into your soul with her deep green eyes. As I said before, there is nothing sexier than a woman and her guitar. Plus, as a musician and a lesbian, she would be a really good lay. I think I would learn a lot.

The rest of the list will follow at some point when I have more time to drool over all the yummy yet completely unattainable women out there.

My Father:

The Comic Genius

The other day, my father sent an open letter to my dog, Madison. Now, what makes this exceptionally hilarious is the fact that my father owns Madison's dad, Japser. It is kind of a cyclical offspring thing in our house. I wanted a Jack Russell of my very own when I returned from college, so we bred my Dad's JRT Jasper with a JRT that belonged to a friend of the family named Presley, after Elvis. Hence, Madison's middle name Aaron, after The King. Now if that long drawn out story does not prove to you that my dog is my child, please read on.

Title: ::A discussion you may want to have with your child (Madison)::

::Dear Madison::

::The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim on it for you, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.::

::The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you run.::

::I cannot buy anything bigger than the bed I now have. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the futon to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space occupied by you is your way of expressing sarcasm and I do not appreciate it.::

::For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw and whine, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. ::

::Also, I have been using the bathroom for years and canine attendance is not mandatory. Please remember that.::

::The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!::

::To pacify you, my dear pet, I have posted the following message on our front door::

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets-

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That is why it is called "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot more than I like most people.

4. To you, it is an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Then, after I was rolling on the floor and laughing from the sheer hilarity (and, let's face it, stinging truth) of such pointed thoughts, he concluded with this gem for me.

::Dear CC::

::Remember::

::Dogs are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant you can sell their children.::

::Love- Dad::

God, I love my family.

Madison : Purveyor of Snarky Doggie Witticism

I am the proud owner of a three year old Jack Russell terrier and of the two of us, I think she needs therapy more than I do. Madison lives the Suite Life like Zak and Cody on the Disney Channel. She sleeps all day, eats a little of everything that I do and does not have to compete with anyone for my affection. She spends the majority of her time creating blanket caves underneath the sheets and comforter on my little twin bed (::before you judge, I live in a studio apartment. A twin is about all I could fit in here::). And when she does venture out, her actions are quite comical. For instance......

The HotYoga For Dogs:

So the phenomenon that is sweeping the nation, HotYoga, rears its faddish head at least three times a day in my apartment. Madison sticks her head out from under the covers and looks around. If I am anywhere other than where she can see me she jumps out of the bed as if she plans on sending out a search party to locate me. Again, it's a studio apartment, I haven't gone very far. But before she can do anything, she must do her stretches. Ever wonder where they get the yoga term "doggie down"? It came from Madison. I often wonder what she thinks about. with the start of each new day...

Madison ::thinking to herself:: ::Yawn:: God, another day in this hell hole. What happened to that place we lived in before with the rooms, plural, and the warm weather and the backyard and the bathroom with the door. I am so sick of looking at your ass every time you get out of the shower.

Me: Good morning, sunshine. How are you? You want some morning squeezies?

Madison ::stands up in bed::Well, the crazy lady is talking to me again. I guess I should pretend to listen:: ::cocks head to one side while furrowing brow::

Me: Aww, Roo. Aren't you adorable. You are the cutest little doggie ever.

Madison ::knowing look on her face:: Sucker, you fall for that look every time. Well, let's get this over with, I gotta pee.::jumping out of bed:: Uhhh, I wish she would get a bigger bed. I'm sick of sleeping in the crook of her legs. I mean there isn't much to work with, she is only five feet tall. ::stretching front legs:: Ouch, my sciatica. ::stretching back legs, first the left, then the right:: oye. I need a good massage.

::Ignoring me while looking at her tail:: Good morning tail. God, that's a nice piece of ass. What's a girl gotta do to get a piece of that? ::starts to chase tail:: Don't be a tease. Get over here. ::changes direction. continues to chase tail:: Come on honey, I promise not to bite. Hard. ::stops. sits down. begins to lick herself where dogs are known to lick themselves.:: Much better. Why in the world was I working so hard?

Me:: Madison, stop that. That is a nasty habit. You aren't kissing me with that mouth.

Madison:: Jealous?::

Me:: Shut up.