My Father:

The Comic Genius

The other day, my father sent an open letter to my dog, Madison. Now, what makes this exceptionally hilarious is the fact that my father owns Madison's dad, Japser. It is kind of a cyclical offspring thing in our house. I wanted a Jack Russell of my very own when I returned from college, so we bred my Dad's JRT Jasper with a JRT that belonged to a friend of the family named Presley, after Elvis. Hence, Madison's middle name Aaron, after The King. Now if that long drawn out story does not prove to you that my dog is my child, please read on.

Title: ::A discussion you may want to have with your child (Madison)::

::Dear Madison::

::The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim on it for you, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.::

::The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you run.::

::I cannot buy anything bigger than the bed I now have. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the futon to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space occupied by you is your way of expressing sarcasm and I do not appreciate it.::

::For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw and whine, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. ::

::Also, I have been using the bathroom for years and canine attendance is not mandatory. Please remember that.::

::The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!::

::To pacify you, my dear pet, I have posted the following message on our front door::

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets-

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That is why it is called "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot more than I like most people.

4. To you, it is an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Then, after I was rolling on the floor and laughing from the sheer hilarity (and, let's face it, stinging truth) of such pointed thoughts, he concluded with this gem for me.

::Dear CC::

::Remember::

::Dogs are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant you can sell their children.::

::Love- Dad::

God, I love my family.